I was trying to explain to my mum what I was doing with my psychology degree. My ever-in-progress-never-going-to-get-done psychology degree. That my interest is in sexology (hur hur).
The first time I said that, she acted like I'd said a bad word. So I had to explain to her that I'm interested in the study of sex and relationships, not in becoming a sex worker. Although, lets be honest here, if I had the body of a dancer instead of an 18th century bar maid I'd happily be making my cash around stripper poles. As is, I'd probably cause eyeballs to bleed.
I'm digressing.
Sexology. So mum and I get to talking about it and she starts asking questions, because most of her initial reaction stems from a perception that she should keep me from swearing and talking about sex, but in reality her curiosity is greater than her sense of propriety. Thank god. Like when she asked me what a bong was. So I start explaining about my fascination, and my belief that the way in which we teach sex education in schools does a woefully bad job of accurately preparing our kids for the reality.
Which opens up a Pandora's Box of issues, like what should be taught in schools versus taught by parents. Schools only teach you (poorly) about the biology (barely), so maybe you should leave all the other stuff, the majority of what sex really is, to your parents to teach you. But parents were brought up in a the same woefully inadequate system, and may not have the information needed. The repercussions, the social stigmas, the emotional vulnerability, and the joy. Kids catch on pretty quick that sex is something that feels good, but heaven forbid any school would admit to that. The spider web of things surrounding sex get glossed over in an effort to scare the bejezuz out of our children so they don't become pregnant at 13 or catch some crotch-rotting disease.
Not that I'm advocating teenage pregnancies and STIs. Don't misunderstand me. I just think we're going about teaching sex the wrong way. So my mum asked me a question to which I had no quick answer: What would you teach then? Why don't you write a book teaching kids about sex?
Crap, I thought. She's right. I'm exceedingly good at bitching and moaning, but putting thought into action has never been my strong suit. How would I write a sex ed book? What kind of information would I want to impart?
I remember my sex education classes. And by sex education I mean: Here's some basic biology. Use condoms. Or better yet don't have sex at all ever. Unless you're married because when you're married you magically learn all the skills to have a successful and responsible sex life. And if you're a girl, your virginity is special and sacred and don't just give it to anyone.
I was 11 years old when I sat in my first sex ed class. By this point, I had already discovered period cramps, that some things felt good when you touched them, and was reading 1000 page historical romance novels. I'd already discovered The Joy of Sex on my parents' bookshelf and sneakily read through it all. I was ahead of the game going in, and immediately started questioning what this older woman with the dour face was teaching us. Not out loud, but silently disagreeing with things she said and wondering why she never talked about any of the good stuff. Masturbation seemed to be something only boys did. And the paper handouts of genitalia seemed to be lacking some key details, like this thing called a clitoris, who's existence I was prepared to defend. STDs (back then they were diseases, I'm getting old) were bad, and here's a bunch of pamphlets on why. This is a penis, these are testicles. This is vagina, this is a womb (I didn't hear the words vulva or labia until many years later).
How was this suppose to prepare me for the world? I knew where babies came from, I knew how you got them. And yes, I could accurately pick out a penis from a lineup. But never was there even vague conversation about the role that sex plays emotionally, that it plays in relationships, that it could be healthy. It was stigmatized into the realm of the forbidden. At least this wasn't abstinence education. At least I had parents who made an effort to teach me according to what I wanted to know, not according to what was appropriate for my age. And yet, I still found myself, more than a decade later, sitting in a 3rd year university level Human Sexuality class, screaming in my head: Why!? Why didn't I have this information 10 years ago when it mattered, when I needed to know all these things? When it could have actually helped me!
Maybe I will write a sex ed book for kids. When it comes to sex, they deserve better than what we've given them.
