It's taken me three days to download and install Firefall.
Part of that is on my shoulders, because of, you know, LIFE, but a larger part of that I'm dumping square in the realm of Windows-8-can-suck-my-dick. If I had one. As an operating system, it operates relatively well. Actually, most of the time it does it's job of making your computer a usable collection of inanimate parts. Then every once and a while, it goes and does something wacky. Like suddenly deciding in the middle of a download that it absolutely needs, it needs, the latest service pack. It cannot go on without the latest service pack. Life is just not worth living without the latest service pack, and it will prove it to you by crashing in flamboyantly melodramatic fashion every time you attempt to give it the latest service pack.
These are problems that did not use to phase me. I was once woken up by my husband and brother-in-law at 1 in the morning because our network had come down in a case of the vapors and was refusing to speak to anyone. It did not phase me. I took these things in stride, like a trooper, a veteran PC user who knew that sometimes unplugging it worked, we don't know why, just go with it and don't question the ways of the Windows gods. But when I have a one year old on one hip, a bottle warming in the microwave, dinner burning on the stove, and my computer commits seppuku during a simple download? That shit phases me.
All of that to say, it took me three days to download and install Firefall. Shut up.
The loading music was my kind of zen. After the whole thing went sideways on me I even left the loading screen up just so I could chill to the music in the background while I did dishes. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The account setup was ridiculously easy (thank you for not making me log out and futz around on your website) so onwards I skipped towards character creation. Little did I know, what waited for me was some crazy gamer chick hip-cock to end all hip-cocks.
Seriously? Every since the infamous Lara Croft, I feel like most game developers have backed off on the over-sexualized female game character. I mean, not entirely. Let's be real here, they know who their primary market is, and it's not women's studies majors. But it's been a while since I've had a "Woah, what the fuck is up with her booty?!" moment while creating a female character. Yet here I am, staring at the female characters and thinking that there is no way outside of a porn studio a woman cocks her hips that much or sticks her chest out that violently. It looks like she's about to topple over face first at any moment. Seriously, guys? Seriously?!
Regardless! I stumble through creating a character, squinting at the ridiculously small description text for hair, eyes, skin, voice (one of which was incomprehensible to both me and my husband), and excitedly hit Volunteer and Fight!
At which point, the game crashes.
Play a Beta, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Sigh. I'll be back for you later, Firefall. You and your massively oversized booty too.
